Archive | 5:16 am

Trick-or-Treating Bay Area Style

26 Oct

As Halloween inches closer and closer I am reminded how having kids changed my outlook on the holiday. Before kids I partied hard every Halloween (actually it was a lowered-inhibition-Halloweeen that blessed me with my first baby). I was the type of person who thought out my costumes, planned parties, and got really wasted. My buddy Keith had a raging party every year, and every year I would drag my husband in some crazy themed couple costume (dirty coach/stutty cheerleader or Shrek and Fiona). Today it is more about surviving the evening without sticking my foot in my mouth.

With the arrival of our little one all that went out the window. I was grown up now, and I had a reason to score some candy! Trick-or-treating was something that I looked forward to, and I got to force my kid into some super cute costume that usually made them cry (see photo below). There was no way I was prepared for what I have experienced wondering the streets instructing my child on the art of begging candy from strangers.

1. No one knows what the hell Unicef is: 

Sure it sounds like a great idea, let your kid fill up the orange box with change to help feed, clothe and educate children in third-world countries. WRONG! My neighbors had no idea what my cute little fairy princess was talking about and I even think some people were offended she was asking for money. We gave up on that one really fast. Note to Angelina Jolie: You might want to market this little non-profit, not just look stylish getting off an airplane with your children.

2. People will drive their children from house to house: The first year I thought it was an exception, but every year it has happened. Kids run past me rushing a house for candy while a parent pulls up in a car and rolls down the window yelling “Ask if they have KitKats!” Mmmm, I am sorry but are you following your child in a car ?!?

3. You can smoke weed anywhere: 

Sure I live in California. Sure there are those who have “doctor’s notes.” But there is no way that your Glaucoma is acting up tonight! Can’t it wait until you get home? You will have bags of candy by then. One year I saw a dad drinking a beer while he followed his kids who were dressed up as Nascar drivers – that was ironic.

4. Put older kids on blast for being punks: Trick-or-treating with little ones takes forever! They walk slow, they are easily distracted by lights and sounds, and they want to dig in their bag and beg to eat each piece of candy they score. So when a large group of preteens swoops in and knocks your toddler on their ass while they bum-rush the neighbor’s house put those kids on blast. This might be your only opportunity to yell at some teens for being rude without the fear of getting jumped. Most likely the person handing out candy has your back and will tell the older kids to wait their turns.

5. Yes, after a certain age all girls dress as slutty (you fill in the blank) and boys just wear a Scream mask: This is why it is important to dress your child up in anything you can before they can form an opinion. My kids have been Frida Khahlo, Barf from Spaceballs, and I still working on getting that Freddie Mercury costume on the youngest one. Your neighbors will appreciate the fun you are having, and it makes for a great story when your kid is 23 and a hipster living in the new “it” city – Flint.

6. Establish a Mommy/Daddy get first pick of the candy rule: I remember thinking my mom was the worst person in the world for dipping into my candy right when we got home. Now as an adult I see the genius in it. These kids get too much candy, and some people hand out the good stuff. You walked all around the city, your feet are sore, and you deserve an Almond Joy (or three, or seven – they’re bite sized). If you are trying to watch your figure still get into that bag and grab some treats for your co-workers, who will curse you while they shovel in Sugar Daddies and Snickers into their pie holes.

If you can survive the night without getting a contact high, taking down some slutty Monster High girls or getting hit by a slow moving car trailing a gaggle of Transformers, I say curl up with your kids plastic pumpkin pull out a Twix and thow up a “West Side” and call it a night.

Advertisements